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THAT'S IT,,, I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN......................... * My Tombstone 
You think your having a bad day until you see someone using a WIC voucher and buying a pregnnancy test at same time.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we're gonna have to ask you to leave."
Don't forget to provide love and support to someone that has absolutely no interest in you today.
He's street smart. Sesame Street smart.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
Does it count as necrophilia if she's just dead inside?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.
Drinking hasn't killed me, so it must be making me stronger
Relationship status: Wife says I'm only slightly more useful than the T in Home Depot
My quest to become a porn star fell a little short...3 inches too short to be exact.
If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile and talk about when you're old
You're wrong. - First Rule of Right Club
You don't know me. You don't know my life. You don't know what milk to cereal ratio I prefer.
Kids today.. I swear they just cant figure shi& out on their own. Its like they need a you tube video to show them how to wipe their As%
*Buys Mega-Millions ticket, waits to be hit by a comet*
This bottle of red wine is more mature than me!
There is always that one person that you think about every night before you go to sleep. But for me its not a person, its pizza.
Sorry I can't hangout, my phone is only at 61%.
aaand my friends don't think I'm funny anymore. 