Funny Status Messages

   My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".

   I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

   No matter how loud you crank the bass, it's still a minivan.

   At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date.

   Anyone ever looked at some of the people you dated in High School that are now on Facebook and think, "Thank God, I really dodged a bullet on that ONE!?!"

   If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.

   I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

   No one ever seems to realize that when someone says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," basically implies that there is a list and hurting you is on it.

   I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   Copy this and put it in your status if you know someone or have heard of someone who knows someone. If you don't know anyone or even if you've just heard of someone who doesn't know anyone then do still copy this. It's important to spread the message...

   Breakfast was going well until that creepy new Tiger Woods commercial with his late father's voice came on... now I'm just playing with my oatmeal.

   You know it's time to break-up when the little things start to piss you off: "Damn girl, do you HAVE to close your eyes every time you blink? F*ck this sh!t, I'M OUT!"

   I don't run for fun! If you see me running past you, you better start running too because something is coming.

   If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......

   Even when it's not the best of days, you can always tell yourself, hey, at least I'm not the guy who sank a $570 million ship.

   I still think everyone on the east coast should have played dead just to scare the crap out of everyone on the west coast.

   I wish the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract.

   Ever want to answer every question with a middle finger? That's kinda where I'm at today.

   I have benefits if anybody needs a friend.

   Gas stations need to have a happy hour..