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You call it “binge drinking” I call it “making up for lost time when I could have been drinking” drinking. 
No its not a nightmare. You are just married.
lol no thanks,,, my tires rotate themselves every day
iOS 8.0.1 is designed to get people to stop calling their friends to brag about owning the new iPhone.
Be the reason someone sighs today.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
I'd give five bucks to hear First lady Melania say, "Moose and Squirrel".
I had so much Chinese food for breakfast I can barely wok
What if nobody was president and we all promised real hard to just be cool
A woman started choking in the lineup at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
"Use the forceps, Luke!" -Obi Gyn Kenobi
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
These days when I say I’m “hittin it,” I’m talking about my pillow.
The six flags rollercoaster that people got stuck on.... Obamas fault.
Thought for the day: The forest was shrinking yet trees kept voting for the axe because its handle was made of wood and they thought it was one of them.
My wife's cooking is so bad, we pray after the meal.
"Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?" I mumble into the tv remote.
Hillary's power suit was white ... but you can't call it a white power suit.
A buddy of mine is making a documentary about white trash, not sure if it's any good, I've only seen the trailer
The difference between drinking on St. Patrick's Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is that nobody pretends to be a Mexican. 