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I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn! 
I want to make a puzzle that says "Get a job" after its completed.
I love myself because I don't have enough money to make other people do it.
I put a moron filter to screen my Facebook news feed... Now I only see 5 statuses a day... :(
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
Unfriended me? Wow, you sure showed m
It's Monday, and a strong possibility I may hurt someone!
Well,, It's like this,,,,, My car makes this funny noise whenever I run over a clown...
I didn't text you, vodka did.
I just watched a video of a guy getting his nuts cut off. I can't believe I did that. Why do I even still have my wedding video, anyway?
Bruno Mars looks like a nice lesbian. I think he and Justin Bieber would make a cute interr@cial couple.
strong winds on the east coast....not Hurricane Sandy...its just congress in Washingoton DC blowing air out their mouths
Before Facebook we all had to lie about how happy we are in person.
I hate when someone sends me a text and puts LOL at the end. I'll decide if I'm gonna laugh or not.
Whoever said “he’s only a dog” obviously never owned a dog.
Some people think I'm quiet, others wish I was.
I don't care about what people think or say about me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive and appealing.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
My fiance and her mom say more in one phone conversation to each other than my dad and I have in my entire life.
Peeing in the bath to rewarm it for her is not as romantic as you may think. 