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Hey America, which ever side wins the Syrian civil war will be chanting "death to America" soon after so save your bombs and missiles for something that matters. 
if carrots are so good for your eyes, then why are there dead rabbits all over the road?
Dating websites should model themselves after facebook, with an ugly button.
just watched CSI: Ozarks. The case went unsolved. Everyone's DNA was the same and there were no dental records.
It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.
OMG, you just lied and your pants really are on fire.
Catholic paramount rule: "If it feels good, it's bad."
Its been a business doing pleasure with you...
So many things remind me of You, mostly when I sit on the toilet.
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
hired a russian housemaid today,it took her 5 hours to hoover the house....turns out she's a slovak.
My mate told me that she was having nothing to do with me anymore because she was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail.
Today, I found a potato chip that looked exactly like Jesus.. Then I remembered nobody knows what Jesus actually looked like... So I ate it.
Dont ever tell someone you'll do something when pigs fly........cause cops ride in helicopters now.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles.
It's depressing how many people don't realize that a terrorist group is a group of people and not an entire nationality.
figured out a way to turn my dishwasher into a snow remover. I handed my wife a shovel
remembers the first time he had sex – he kept the receipt.
If we are all part of a greater whole, and all come from the same place, and we are all one and share the same essence…why can't I have sex with my friend's sister without him getting mad at me? She's hot, I wanna get in that…
-- I lost my watch earlier, I would have looked for it but I just didn't have the time...... 