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Told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. 
The NBA Finals was a circus for LeBron, except a circus has three rings.
I hate goodbyes. And hellos. And all the human interaction in between.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don't exist.
Instead of moaning about how much your life sucks try getting drunk like normal people
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It's their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
You had me at "Do Not Resuscitate"
I hate it when a couple starts kissing in front of you, and because you don't know what to do, you just join in with the kissing
If she claims to be just one of the guys, compliment her mustache. If she laughs and buys you a beer, you, sir, have found a unicorn!
I'm amazed at how some people have survived this far in life
I may not be 2014 healthy,,, but I'm 1814 healthy.
You have my full undivided attention. Sorry I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to my phone.
I like to argue with my wife until I ask her "What do you want me to do?" and she responds "Nothing." Free pass to lay on the couch and drink beer... mission accomplished.
If you've lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
If you have crazy friends, you have everything.
the day I stop drinking is the day johny walker stop walking
No! No, Bryant Gumbel!! We DON'T want to see Katie Couric "twerk"! PLEASE don't ask her again!
Judging by these FB & T witter quotes attributed to her, Marilyn Monroe sure got smart four decades after she died.
My friends 13 year old has never heard of CCR and now I've never questioned his parenting more. Only you can prevent Beliebers folks.
My blood test came back "vodka". 