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I have more people on my block list than some of you have on your friends list. . . 
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
"If EVERYTHING tastes like us,,, Why do WE have to die then"????..... CHICKENS
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
The worst part about someone asking how you've been is when you realize, "Oh, great. Now I have to ask about you."
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, whilst the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
Hey Peyton eat a Snickers! Why? Because you play like Tony Romo when you are hungry.
When speaking to me please use the words "basically" "actually" and "literally" or basically, I actually will literally not understand you.
Anyone know how many calories you burn an hour scrolling on Facebook?
Now that Bruce Jenner is a woman does that make him a horrible driver ?
I'm just looking for a little love and financial domination. Is that too much to ask?
I'm looking for any of you who may have a Selfie Stick. Please let me know if you have one, I'm asking so I know who to delete.
I'm starting to wish I were a werewolf so I'd have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
Patrick on Facebook is complaining about how he hates the word "moist." He thinks it's "so gross." I'm willing to bet that Patrick also doesn't like pu$$y and is still a virgin.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
Sometimes I fear that my entire life is a mockumentary
If your not going to remove that deer carcass from the side of the road can you at least turn his head so hes not looking at me while I drive by drinking my morning coffee!
I remember when I first met her, she was all quiet, shy, innocent and reserved. But now...lets just say, I created a monster.
Don't really care too much about the new fb update but is there a way to "subscribe" to positive only updates? Filter out the complainers, negative-nancys, shoe-taggers, and crybabies? 