Funny Status Messages

   they say eating fish makes you smarter, but the only ones you eat are the ones dumb enough to get caught

   says - just when you think all your ducks are in a row, someone comes along and shoots one of them

   All you get when you pick my pocket is practice...

   I'm perfectly imperfect, beautiful in my flaws, sure of my insecurities, absolute chaos...a beautiful disaster.

   Remember, A hard punch can often be used as a secret weapon to secure victory in an intellectual debate.

   "No big lifestyle change for Lindsay Lohan. She'll still be hanging around the bars"

   Women spend 2% of their lives trying to figure out where bruises on their legs came from

   "The mistakes of the past don't define you... they refine you."

   without a doubt the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.

   ‎7-11 is developing a new wine.. It's said to pair well with poor life choices and sadness

   If you are the "other person" in a relationship and eventually get together, you have no reason to be angry if they cheat on you later.

   "It's ok! I'm a professional." ---says me in pretty much any situation

   If I had a time machine I'd show Albert Einstein the Internet and ruin everything.

   Trying to decide what I hate more: 1. Mondays or 2. People who complain about how much they hate Mondays

   can't remember the last time I saw a commercial that didn't have to do with auto insurance, cars, beer, or b-o-n-e-r meds...

   Karma is like a rubber-band...it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face!

   I think the only way I'll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I'm in prison.

   When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say "You hit like a bit$h."

   I waited so long to do laundry, that now I'm headed to the Laundromat wearing my Halloween costume….

   I often wonder why there is no step ladder next to the "Ball Washer" at my golf course...