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It's difficult to have a committed relationship with a schizophrenic. They're always seeing other people. 
Did you know that your nipples are lined up with your earlobes? :)
Don't you hate it when you tell your kid "9 a clock time for bed" and they say " no it is only 8:58 "!!!
That awesome moment when you notce you are much better looking than the idiot she is currently with. :0)
I complimented this chick on her dress today but what I really meant was, you have an awesome rack.
Earlier I tapped my foot twice to a song. Sometimes the dance just bursts right out of me.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
Q. What is the real purpose of FOREPLAY? A. To make sure it's REALLY a woman.
One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman, but I won’t letter!
Reinforce your Ikea furniture and make yourself comfortable in mom’s basement for four more years, mi!!ennials. Bernies out!
I don't know what bothers me most...Hillary's pantsuits, her voice, or that her d*ck is bigger than my boyfriend's.
Bill always chose someone over Hillary, so should you...
The Patriots defensive coverage today is almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
At the end of the day, a man who identifies as a woman is still a man who identifies as a woman.
There should be a Disney princess who lives in a ghetto... just to give hope to all the black girls out there
~ What makes a Man happy? Daughter on cover of Cosmo, Son on cover of Sports Illustrated, Mistress on the cover of Playboy & Wife on the missing persons list.
I switched to Herbal Essences shampoo, but quickly discovered that I don't have a clit on top of my head like those women in the commercials.
64 tornados in North Carolina alone. Can we turn our attention to our own for once and send money to some Americans instead of Japan?
French vanilla is just like regular vanilla except it smokes too much cigarettes and doesn't bathe.
Let the Red Sox annoyance begin.....ugh! 