Funny Status Messages

   Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate

   I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

   If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.

   I assumed a coworker was pregnant. She told me no, just six months fat... We laughed and laughed and then she stabbed me.

   Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers.

   I just saw a commercial for Ramen noodles on the Food Network. Now that takes some balls...

   I'm confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars... Yet the funniest people on the internet are janitors and stay-at-home moms.

   Sucking on a woman's nipples helps prevent breast cancer. Make sure you know the woman, cops don't care if you were trying to save her life.

   I can always tell if it's going to be a good year based on how fat or skinny Christina Aguilera is.

   The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.

   Oh honey, you're not pretty enough to be that stupid

   Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product

   Its called KARMA and its pronounced "Ha ha you got served what you deserve"

   If anyone asks, I'm drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

   If you are the "other person" in a relationship and eventually get together, you have no reason to be angry if they cheat on you later.

   "It's ok! I'm a professional." ---says me in pretty much any situation

   If I had a time machine I'd show Albert Einstein the Internet and ruin everything.

   Trying to decide what I hate more: 1. Mondays or 2. People who complain about how much they hate Mondays

   can't remember the last time I saw a commercial that didn't have to do with auto insurance, cars, beer, or b-o-n-e-r meds...

   Karma is like a rubber-band...it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face!