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"I ain't fallin for THIS CRAP"................ *Pavlov's cat 
In the epic battle of good vs evil, politicians are double agents.
The cats didn't hear me getting myself a snack. I'm a ninja.
I'd like to be drunk with power but I've never even been buzzed. I'm like the designated driver of power.
Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "NO YOU WILL NOT!"
You haven't really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
Tried meditating once but ended up taking a really great nap
This bottle of Ny-Quil tastes like I'm drinking on the job and getting away with it
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so I ate 4 of them.
I was beginning to wonder if the winter's directly before a presidential election year were all warmer than usual due these lie spuing politicians and the amount of hot air hey were expelling.
In a final selfless gesture, Abe Vigoda will be donating his ear hair to Locks Of Love.
Rest In Peace Dinosaurs!!! Can"t Believe it 65 million years already. Always in my thoughts.
Beyonce made a song called "Single Ladies" then went home to her husband and left you lonely women dancing in a circle pretending to be happy.
I'm not saying kill all stupid people. I'm saying remove all warning labels from everything. The problem should sort itself out.
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works 24 hours a day and 365 days a year from birth until you fall in love.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
Don't be ashamed of who are you. That's your parents job.
Someone said my clothes were gay. I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."
My wife got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook photos of me with my friends before we got married.
How To Baby Proof Your House: Condoms are super-duper effective and highly recommended. 