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Dyed all our eggs green, so its officially a Green eggs and ham day 
BREAKING NEWS: Gingrich Quits Race to Join Secret Service
F*ck an alarm system. I've seen "Home Alone," I know what to do.
If you really cared you wouldn't ignore my text, neglect my feelings and forget my existence.
You have a super power? That's nice. I'm friends with a pharmacist so my superpower is whatever the hell I want it to be
Excuse me miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there.
I like girls with curves, if I wanted to see bones, I would go to the damn museum.
Life sucks when a girlfriend doesn't
Don't let someone build you, because they will have the power to destroy you whenever they want.
Harrison Ford is a quarter Jew .NOT TOO SHABBYY!!
I just cleaned out the fireplace so that "Santa won't get dirty". I did it for my son because I love him, even though he's delusional.
My new year's resolution is to make better bad decisions.
Teacher: 'David, if you have 5 sweets, and Paco asks you for 1 sweet, how many sweets do you have left??' David: '5'
Those who say they "I slept like a baby" obviously have never had one.
To you it's copyright infringement, to me it's a remix.
My 2 year old is going through a phase where she screams out what she is about to do before she does it. I had to explain to her that only adults on social networking sites were allowed to do that. :)
Tracy Morgan collapsed at Sundance and is blaming the altitude. I agree. He was way too high.
We never had an on-and-off relationship before getting married. Ours was more of an in-and-out-and-in-out thing. People should try that!
If you don't purposely get face soap in your nostrils to blow bubbles, you're not as self entertained as me.
I think we'd all be a lot cooler with dying if the five stages were denial, anger, bargaining, pop-locking, acceptance. 