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my opinion on forced birth control has changed after watching one episode of Honey Boo Boo. 
They say if you dump a cat hundreds of kilometers away from home, it will eventually find its own way back. So all you cat-owners putting up posters of your missing cat need to stop wasting your time because it’s obvious your cat does not want to be fou
I listen to the first 30-45 seconds of a butt dial like I'm an FBI agent in a surveillance van.
Nothing is better than a woman getting in touch with herself. Especially if she lets me watch.
Jodi you should have went to Casy Anthony's "how to get away with murder" seminar
Million dollar idea: Combine a vacuum and a Segway.
At least broken people are interesting. You can't fix boring...
asked the good folks a the pizza hut to NOT slice my pizza, my diet only allows for one piece!!
looking to trade a 9x13 Tupperware bowl for a 13x9 Tupperware bowl. The 9x13 is just to long to fit in my Microwave Oven.
I've got 98 problems, so I need 1 more.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it's because she's a big dumb stinkyhead that's jealous of my awesome Transformers collection
Normal people are the crazy psychos who hide it very well!
You know I can't stay mad at you masturbation sock!!
I haven't had this many women fawning over me since the day I came home from the hospital as a newborn.
That awesome moment when you flip your pillow over to the cold side.
There is 2 types of ugly girls; the UGLY girls, and the girls with MAKE-UP.
if people are trying to bring you down it only means you are above them
It looks like my town's Home Depot is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween ,,,,,,, Really?
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook.
Fellas: Don't build a new ship out of old wood. Upgrading your woman with plastic surgery doesn't change the fact that her genes are ugly. 