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If there ever was an area in desperate need of a good douching, it was NYC & Jersey. Thank you Irene. 
Before asking someone why they hate you, slap and ask yourself why you even care.
BBC have just announced that Gaddafi may have slipped in to Jordan. .......Has that woman no shame?
Ever notice how the most tattooed guy everywhere you go is the one thats always broke?
called in sick today. Manager asked why? Doctor said I have Anal Blindness. Manager asked what's that? It's where I can't see my ass coming in to work today!
If you saw me in the back of a police car, what would you assume put me there?
*WARNING* My caffeine level is dangerously LOW! Approach at your own risk! (this has been a public service announcement)
My internet goes down more than my girlfriend.......How sad!!
If everyday is a gift, then where's her reciept. She would like to exchange Monday for Satruday
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church.
Seriously though, nobody wants to hear your ringtone
I hate Mondays more than a midget hates getting a Yo-Yo for Christmas.
BREAKING NEWS: Ariel Castro's neck.
My cat eats ONLY top-quality organic treats... And licks its own butthole.
Old lady in the blue track suit in front if me smells like garlic and moth balls. I would complain but I think she's a Crip!.
I hate it when my girlfriend calls her period "that time of the month", I like to call it "blow job week"
Don't ask me to respect your religion when you can't give me the same respect for not believing in yours.
I found the key to happiness, giving the wife money for bingo and giving the kids the newest PS4 game.... Beer 30!
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence. 