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About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck! 
Remember Snooki? Yeah me neither, it's like she disappeared! That's because she went back to her real name, Danny Devito... 😂
Boss makes a Dollar, I make a dime, that's why I poop on company time
when did we replace the word “said” with “was like”
You know it was a good christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass.
[Me to the 2nd baseman after I slide into base]... Make sure you separate plastics & food waste... [Coach from dugout] NO YOU IDIOT,,, NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I don't have tattoos for the same reason I don't have children -- I'm afraid if someone tells me they're ugly, I won't want them anymore.
So let me get this straight. Hot dogs are the new cancer sticks?
Why can't all cable and satellite companies put the tv stations on the same damn channel??
Even Vince McMahon thinks nascar races are fake...
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
I still stand by my "always judge a man by his neck tattoos" theory.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
Get this: My 2 year old & 8 month old decided not to take advantage of the extra hour of sleep yesterday morning.
There are times when Facebook makes you thankful for distance.
I never knew how corny some of my friends were before I added them on Facebook.
Doesn't matter how you find the gold, as long as you beat the leprechaun to it
wonders if women are from venus, and men are from mars... where are transvestites from?
transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. They're on me. Enjoy!
says "If at first you don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie." 