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was just thinking if God didn't want us to masturbate he would have made our arms shorter…maybe thats why the Trex was always so angry? 
I blew a speaker in my car today. He was a motivational speaker and he was very convincing.
I'm not saying blondes are dumb, but I just saw one snorting Sweet & Low because she thought it was Diet Coke.
If you invite a girl over to "watch a movie" and actually watch a movie, you're a failure as a man.
Yes honey you can talk to other guys; I don't mind a little competition. But don't get mad when you have some competition too.
Putting on a pretty shirt over my muffin top so I can make it a cupcake
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one Fish cant Drown.
To do list: 1. Poop. 2. I can't do anything until I poop.
If you don’t believe in gay marriage, don’t marry a gay person.
The first person who milked a cow... wtf were they doing there?
Thinking of getting a HUGE TATTOO on my neck....Oh ya, that's a good look!!!
Never hold your head high with pride or ego. Even the winner of a Gold Medal gets his medal only when he puts his head down.
Wow it's hot!.....I'm sweating like a Priest at a Cub Scout picnic! ツ
I want to be a comedian so bad but I am afraid they will all laugh at me!
Just saw this group on facebook: "Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... Ever noticed how all womens problems begin with men?" No. All womens problems begin with opening their mouths and saying stupid things like that.
3 ways to die early. smoking = 5 years early. alcohol = 10 years early. loving someone who doesn't love you = you die daily.
rearranging furniture at the home for the blind
#5856 That's how many troops have been killed in Iraq & Afghanistan protecting freedom. The other number games don't matter.
I don’t believe in religion, I believe in God
I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying. He said, "If the current administration is in office much longer, canned goods, water and ammunition are your best bet." 