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Think of a number. Double it. Add eight. Half it. Minus the number you started with. Close your eyes.... It's dark, isn't it? 
If I got poked in real life as much as I get poked on Facebook, I'd be one happy woman and would never leave my room!!
If ESPN had a cake show, they could call it "Laying Down a Bundt."
~ A teacher at a school for overweight kids was fired for snorting cocaine. His massive pupils gave him away.
if the farmer is in the dell, who's tending the farm?
does not want to be bothered today...just tell everyone I'm hiking on the Appalachian Trail.
What is it with the absent reference status messages. When people say things like "I can't believe you would do that" or anything with "You know who you are." We don't and frankly, we don't care. It's just you posting your drama filled life up to generate
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking during pregnancy can cause your baby to look like Herve Villacheze.
When on vacation, don't take pictures of building...take pictures of moments...Keep them close to your heart and never let them go!
what's the difference between a women with PMS and a pitbull? Lipstick
If everyday is a gift then today was socks.
I just saved a lot of money by not paying my car insurance bill.
Weekend - you teased me! I was so enjoying you and then you went away. Come back. I miss you. (*sob, sob*)
Roethlisberger has been suspended, which means that the NFL has a stricter policy on sex abuse than the Vatican
I'm petitioning Crayola to replace the "burnt orange" crayon with "burnt snooki"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PACMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is a great need for sarcasm font
chick, I wouldn't even poke you with Facebook
I havn't seen it rain this hard since Tim Tebow lost to Alabama...
thinking she got sick from reading all those statuses of others being sick, next time please cover your statuses when you write...Thank you 