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Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet. 
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
A lie everyone tells = “Hey! I just got your text!”
I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
An apple a day is bullcrap. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
When people tell me "You're gonna regret that in the morning" I sleep in til noon, because I'm a problem Solver
If I were a pirate I'd skip the skulls and crossbones, and bedazzle a Hello Kitty themed boat. I'd never get caught, cause nobody would admit I robbed them.
My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the driver.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Police reports released this morning state that Justin Bieber's blood contained traces of alcohol, pot and Flintstones Chewable's..
I TOOK A DRUG TEST THE OTHER DAY AND THE TEST RESULTS CAME BACK NEGATIVE. WHICH MEANS MY DEALER HAS SOME F*CKING EXPLAINING TO DO...
After reading this sentence you will realize that the the brain doesn't recognize a second 'the'.
Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement"
I hate when I buy a bag of air and there's chips in it.
Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.
Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
I found my first grey pubic hair today....normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
Dear cellphone companies: please invent a "unsend my text" option
I went to a disco last night. They played the twist, I did the twist, They played jump, I jumped. They played "come on Eileen"...I got kicked out for that one.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy". 