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Ok A$$hole, just go around me. I'm already doing 40 over the limit, and I'm not speeding up. Stupid tailgater..... With your stupid flashing lights 
but why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?
I hate when the guy seated next to me on the plane falls asleep and his azz starts to snore.
How about at least a little wave to thank me for not killing you, pedestrians?!
Those Cialis dudes get turned on when they see really bad acting
have you ever noticed that Monday and Mundane sound almost the same? Coincidence? I think not!!!
You know that song... You give love a bad name...Pretty sure that was meant for me.
The Human Brain is remarkable. It is the worlds most intelligent and advanced biological creation. The peak of human evolution. Then occasionally it forgets all that, like just now, when I went to scratch my eye and punched myself in the face instead.
I can't understand half the things bilingual people say.
They say if she stayed by your side even when you broke her heart, then she is the one. I say she is the one alright, the one dumbass.
If I start calling it 'Juniper berry juice', Gin becomes a health drink. RIGHT??
If your phone didn't get a text, it was me
I hate exercising. I've decided that if I were meant to bend and touch my toes, I would have been born with boobs on my feet.
If UGGs made bras, would they be called JUGGs?
just because I don't have a girlfriend doesn't mean I'm all alone, I have food and internet!
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
Cops don't like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air then you wave them like you just don't care.
Sometimes,people aren't always who they seem to be and sometimes people are so much more than you originally thought ...
BEER RULE 101: A beer in the hand is better than two in the fridge.
So I'm at the farmer’s market,,, carefully picking out produce to throw away next week. 