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Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, then I remember that I'm a woman. 
it sucks when you forget to shake the ketchup and you get the gross juice all over your fries..
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
"No one will know about your small pen*s if your ex girlfriends are all dead" is the only relationship advice I've given in the past 5 years
When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, 'Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.'
I don't know what the big deal is about Cinco De Mayo, Heck my Grandma can beat the French
your outfit makes you look like a stripper. A high end stripper for governors and athletes, but a stripper nonetheless.
Kissing burns 6.4 calories per minute. Wanna workout?
It's socially acceptable to live in somebody else's basement, but weird if you live in your own.
I'll push your face into the shower wall as romantic as possible.
Well excuse me, I didn't know it wasn't bring a naked midget to work day
Andy Reid said if Obama loses he can start next week against Dallas...
A good girlfriend is like a good bra, she uplifting, she is supportive, she fits you well, and she is always close to your heart.
Girls dont dress for boys, they dress for themselves. If girls dressed for boys, they'd just walk around naked all the time
i feel bad when I see a lonely old person at the bus stop... but then I remember how those a$$holes drive.
Sunday, my day of rest...Rest of the leftover booze!!!!
Having sex doesn't make you a s?ut, and being a virgin doesn't make you a saint.
I refused to allow my doctor to diagnose me with OCD.. Acronyms must contain an even number of letters.
Coffee to me is what a wand is to Harry Potter.
I love this oscillating fan 5 out of every 15 seconds 