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I changed my last name on Facebook to "dis", so I can start disliking the stupid stuff people post. 
I hate when I go to the break room and get held in a hostage conversation.
Fonzie never wore a safety harness jumping the 14 garbage cans in front of Arnold's or jumping the shark tank. Don't be a Potsie Wallenda, ditch the harness..
Slut: *Facebook status* describe me with a commercial slogan <3 Me: So easy a caveman could do it.
I wish farting was a form of expression.
Women have a problem for every solution.
Tried quitting my job today. But they just laughed and threw me back in my cell.
It really sucks seeing a profile pic of two girls and the hot one is always someone else.
Mr Patel kicked me out of Dunkin donuts for telling customers the healthiest part of a donut was the hole.
Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are
I learned no matter how much your friends pressure you, you must never snort lines of curry powder.
Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 137.
I sometimes wonder why I'm 33 and single. Then I see you with your screaming kids in the grocery store and quickly remember.
I find that a ducks opinion of me is largely influenced by whether or not I have bread.
See a bug outside: Hi Mr Bug! See a bug inside: Die b!tch! Die!
I can turn wine into sex.
I used to love when my parents left little notes in my lunch box when I was a kid, like "Get an A or don't bother coming home".
wore my mistletoe belt buckle out last night. Met a girl with a mistletoe belly button piercing.. Wedding is next month."
Sometimes when I don't want my wife to find something, I just put it in her purse.
Guys.... women pay attention to how you text. You think they don't notice someone who can move their fingers fast? 