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Not to brag, but I can cure a woman of having feelings for me in five minutes flat. 
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
U2's cabin doors opens during flight - someone got their revenge for having to listen to U2's new album in the cloud.
Laughter is the best medicine..long as you take percocet with it
whatever you say there's bound to be someone who gets offended
A TV show where it's just a bunch of really fat people, seated & trying to get their phones out of the front pockets of their jeans.
If you lost your iphone last night please let me know. Because I need that charger too
It's like my father used to say "Go get that rock over there... I promise I won't drive away this time."
Life is like a camera. Just focus on what's important. Capture the good times. Develop from the negatives. And if things don't turn out, just take another shot.
Here's a TIP: Never ask a woman what's wrong and never not ask her either.
its funny how we all sleep differently. my roommate sleeps on their back. my ex sleeps with everyone. that sort of thing
Can we make the Presidential election about the issues and not wives and peter size?? Everyone, probably.
He came hopping out of nowhere... I nearly spilled my beer, while I was driving along texting with the radio cranked up. Suddenly, I seen a flash of gray followed up with a "thump-thump!" Anyway Happy Easter! Sorry if you didn't get anything, my bad.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
Sometimes, at the end, I press the "Add 30 Sec" button on the microwave just to show "Swanson's" who's REALLY in charge up in this MoFo!!
Ya'll are welcome to try and seize the day... I gave it a whirl, but the damn thing bit me.
Until now I never really thought of pistachios as 'creepy'
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
I was watching Dexter earlier. Man he's come a long way. It's amazing how he kills all those people without his old Laboratory.
I love Scrooge McDuck for his personality, not his wealth. 