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Relationship status: ironing shirt with George Foreman grill. 
Why can't Stevie wonder see his friends?... Cause he's married!!
Id like to wish myself a happy Pulling Out Day !!!
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you're like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you're from Alabama)
Did you hear about the girl who had TWO chances to get pregnant, and she blew them both?
"so that's what Kim Kardashian's ass looks like" said no one ever.
I have been getting a lot of canned meat ads in my emails. Why isn't it going into my spam folder?
I don't care what any politician says ..... This country and this world are definitely not better places than it was 8 years ago! If they say otherwise they are liars and should not be trusted.
X wondering what the weather's like in India. I think i'll call AT&T.
Boob is the perfect word in the dictionary..... the B looks like an aerial view of it, the OO is the front view of it... and the b looks like the side way view of it...(.)(.)
Dentists are going on strike...brace yourselves
The world did not end on the 21st. It was just rebooted. Please be sure your security software is up to date. Run a full scan of your life and remove any malicious files which may be damaging your joy, stealing your hope, or slowing down your blessings. I
What food decreases a women's sex drive faster than anything else? Wedding cake
You can look at some people and instantly know they're only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money
My predictive text dictionary doesn't have "tsunami", so if you ever get a text from me that says "trumang" start running
I'd be the worst 911 Operator. "Uh ma'am I think you mean he was lying in a puddle of his own blood, not laying."
I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion...
The guy who invented the game "Twister" died this week.... Fitting him into his coffin took almost 30 spins. ( they put the left foot in...)
Relationships are weird. What starts out as "You're funny and smart" eventually turns into "You think you know everything and everything is a joke to you." 