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Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink? 
I'm afraid your bio is writing checks that your profile pics can't cash.
Sometimes dating somebody means help raise their self-esteem to the point where they know they can date someone better than you.
I find the people who complain constantly about people around them being fake n scandalous are usually the most fake and scandalous ones around.
The day you start looking forward to being abused in the nursing home is the day you realize your life sucks
People are so rude to each other nowadays, that when one is nice and polite, it's considered a marriage proposal.
If naps had a taste, I bet they'd be so delicious.
Today, people that say "liberry" ,"Jewelerry","supposably" and the Incredible"Hawk", get to celebrate "Valentimes" Day.
Instead of drinking beer today I'm drinking wine, because I have a cold and wine has vitamin C.
Your talking to blowjob ratio is way too high.
I'm not ashamed of my vices. They're good friends actually. They bring great joy!
For a rock only found in a planet that was destroyed, Superman must wonder where all his enemies keep finding kryptonite
In "Hipster Jeopardy", all contestants must phrase their responses in the form of irony.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it .
Like an abounded school I have no principals
it's not a crutch, it's something i've come to rely on to help me through life
"Um...I'm getting paid overtime for this, right?" --my liver
I'd have a better relationship with Vodka, I just can't make it last.
wishes Dunkin Donuts would just 'deliver' already, some of us dont have a job and arent 'on our way to work' good god!
I remember when The Miss USA Pageant used to mean something! Wait, no, I'm thinking about the Pulitzer. Sorry,enjoy the boobies. 