Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
I think my car needs wheel alignment because it’s keeps going towards the liquor store 
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Breaking: Elmo taking over as the "special teams" coach at Penn. State!
Last night I sprayed under my kitchen sink for roaches with this cheap Chinese-made insect killer. Not only did it leave them alive, they kept me up all night talking.
'tis the season to get trampled fa la la la la la la la la
MMA would be way better if it was two people who'd never been in a fight before and done zero training.
It's December! I guess it's time to pretend I'm putting up the Christmas lights... that I never took down from last year
Seeing people in the grocery store and talking to them and they pretend they don't know you...well played, mom...well played.
Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. Everyone I told swore they wouldn't tell anyone else
Either I'm seriously drunnk or gas prices are high again.... I just got pulled over by a cop on a horse!
How come i'm your best friend all of a sudden when you need money? but you dont remember when I needed a ride?
I have done literally nothing in my life to prevent forest fires.
After a long wait, the people of Liverpool finally got the news they wanted... The new iPhone will be available to rob later this month.
Ummmm... Turns out The Royal Family isn't So Stuffy !
The best part of being an adult is saying "Because I can" when your kid asks "Why are you doing that?".
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And Mondays.
You're a 90s kid if… you wore the light up shoes! Those were badass.
Life is weird, first you wanna grow up, then you wanna be a kid again..
I figure that “Honey Boo-Boo” show puts us about six months away from just laughing at homeless people on television.
I realized I'm too silly for most sex things. My wife was like, "I want you to throw me around in the bedroom" , I was like, "How bout you run around and I trip you!".....I figure its safer for the both of us. 