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I just had to use a can opener to get my jeans off. 
For all of you wondering what to do with your Pujols Jerseys. Keep them! Buy some red tape and put a line over the 5 like this >$
I was never that happy doing the neutron dance.
Someone just licked their thumb before handing me a paper. I hope my story inspires other victims to come forward.
No, go ahead. Have a conversation under my status update with someone that has nothing to do with my status update. I wanted to unfriend some people today anyway and it till make my decision that much easier on who to get rid of.
Announcer: You've been married for 50 years? Do you have any tips for the ones to be married next. Old guy: It helps if your deaf.
That annoying moment when you can't find the long side of the blanket.
Anyone want to be friends with benefits? Like we'll give each other rides to the airport and help each other move but still be just friends.
I will always cut through a gas station parking lot to avoid a red light.
In a group picture, there is always the retard that does the peace sign.
I'm too lazy to I throw my hands up in the air and wave them like I just don't care. THAT'S how much I don't care!
When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
She lost me at, "I don't watch football."
I need a catchphrase, and a themesong. Oh, and while we are at it, a signature sex move that doesn't always end in an apology.
It's hard to find a good air guitar these days.
Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?".. Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and said it would be $6 for coffee"
Some times I just want to control alt delete my life and hit Esc. . .
Ummmm, yes,,, I need to return this Taylor Swift calendar.. After 4 dates, it fell apart and wrote a vicious song about me.
"Use the forceps, Luke!" - Obi Gyn Kenobi 