Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Cerebrospinal fluid (facebook asks what's on my mind) 
Being a nice guy wasn't working for me so I converted to douche bagism.
You can take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
You know you're jealous when you can't even find a reason for your hate.
Cutest thing I saw today was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently.
Told my wife I was going to build a deck last summer, but instead I built a really sweet pile of 2x4s in the garage.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
[walks up to a group of teens] hey guys when I was your age I was also dumb as hell
How to fold a fitted sheet... 1) Stand with arms apart... 2) Sacrifice a goat... 3) Trust the void... *distant screaming... *PANIC... 4) Throw sheet into ocean
I'm black, but not go Walmartin' in my robe and slippers black.
Don't worry guys, I have a plan. We can extinguish the Ferguson flames with the tears of all the Cosby victims.
People glorify being single because you can sleep with anyone you want. In reality you can only sleep with the people who want to sleep with you. That’s a very different number.
I don't mean to brag but I'm still single.
My wife caught me again on the couch with my iPad & a hand towel while I was putting lotion on my feet with my pants off.
I may lose friends. But.. People who want to BE politically correct need a red hot iron stoker stuck up their a$$es. . .
going to the Playboy mansion looking for the Easter Bunny!
Watched Justin Beiber preform tonight on Amercan Idol and realized there is one thing worse than eternal hell....being Justin Beiber's background singer!
just came back to update the status.. now going back to bed.. bye
Televangelist Pat Robertson said the earthquake in Haiti happened because they made a pact with the devil to get rid of the French in the Haitian Revolution. Pat, please. You don't need a pact with the devil to bead the French.
read that during his press conference today, Tiger Woods will not be taking any questions or phone numbers. 