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Sometimes I feel sorry for God.... He's a single parent and all his children are jerks who think they know it all. 
Women get really mad if you put your d*ck in their mouth when they're applying mascara.
I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed, Not my fault they don't have Windows...
Syria has been bombing Turkey for a few days now. "We're probably next!" a frightened chicken cries.
I couldn't finish my dinner , so the waitress asked me: "do you want a box for that ?" I responded " no , but i'll arm wrestle you for it "
It's snowing in East London at the moment...First white thing I've seen all day.
you know you were raised Catholic if... while watching Star Wars you hear "may the force be with you" and you respond "and also with you".
Tiger Woods and Toyota should team up for a comeback and their moto should be "I swear we can stop!"
Cherish your dreams ,as they are the children of your soul,the blueprints of your ultimate achievements.
there a special place in hell for those people who update their facebook status in church?
I just saw that Harry Potter movie. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the rear that you are at automatic fault? If you honk your horn .01 seconds after the light turns green, then I hope you can back up faster than I can.
Im gonna hang out with everyone who likes this status today
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I'd pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, "Keep the change you filthy animal."
My Girlfriend said I need to be more affectionate... Now I have 2 Girlfriends!
If Obama was so great, why do you need Bernie or Hillary to fix things?
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?
Due to solar radiation the American flag planted on the moon is now faded completely to white. Great, now it looks like the French landed there...
The Ku Klux Klan. Worth joining just to find out the name of the laundry powder they use. 