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Tiger Woods and Toyota should team up for a comeback and their moto should be "I swear we can stop!" 
Cherish your dreams ,as they are the children of your soul,the blueprints of your ultimate achievements.
there a special place in hell for those people who update their facebook status in church?
I just saw that Harry Potter movie. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the rear that you are at automatic fault? If you honk your horn .01 seconds after the light turns green, then I hope you can back up faster than I can.
Im gonna hang out with everyone who likes this status today
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I'd pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, "Keep the change you filthy animal."
My Girlfriend said I need to be more affectionate... Now I have 2 Girlfriends!
If Obama was so great, why do you need Bernie or Hillary to fix things?
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?
Due to solar radiation the American flag planted on the moon is now faded completely to white. Great, now it looks like the French landed there...
The Ku Klux Klan. Worth joining just to find out the name of the laundry powder they use.
An atheist, vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes....
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
Hell hath no fury like a women with a nine iron.
giving up Status Updates for lent
pleased that Mr T has spoken out about the whole BP shemozzle. He said, "I pity the fuel".
People ask me... Why do you keep your wallet in your front pocket? I say... I like walking towards money not away from it.
Sex is the best activity in the world...whoever disagrees needs to get some. 