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I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems. 
Lance Armstrong probably still has both balls too.
If you're skinny already why the heck are you trying to diet ? What are you trying to lose ? Your life ?
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I would kill to see Rihanna go against Tyra Banks on a head butting contest
I know what you did for a Klondike bar, and you are gross.
I'm not allowed to text and drive, but this officer can run my plates and talk on the phone simultaneously. I should brake-check him.
ᵀʰᵉ ʷᵒʳᵈˢ ᶦᶰ ᵗʰᶦˢ ˢᵉᶰᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵃʳᵉ ʳᵉᵃᶫᶫʸ ˢᵐᵃᶫᶫ⋅
Farting is an excellent example of faith. You are not 100% certain that something extra won't come out but still you push!
i hope Boeing makes Romney a special plane with his windows that go down....its gonna be the short plane
America was not shutdown properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare and without corrupt politicians? (Recommended)
No matter how long you have been together, it's completely okay to walk out of someone's life if you just don't feel like you belong there anymore.
Saw a fat girl buying a rape whistle today. You gotta admire her optimism.
So the US Supreme court has ruled that you have the right under the First Amendment to protest military Funerals....I invite you to Start your protest in my front yard and we can see if your first amendment is better than my Second Amendment...
looking at you naked (mood: disappointed)
I'm thankful that baby teeth are the only things that kids lose while growing up. Imagine the trauma of a nose falling off. Or a leg. "Why's your daughter hopping around like that?" "Oh, she just lost her baby leg last night."
"I wasn't that Drunk.." "Dude, you threw a bird at the police and screamed go angry bird kill those pigs!"
Buying water at baseball games is ridiculous! $5 for water?!?! If I wanted to pay $5 for water, I would buy Miller Lite.
If I had a penny for every time you made me feel worthless; I'd be worth something by now.
Oh for the love of Jesus please stop rep0sting this "If you want to remember you borrow money from them" sh!t. We have already seen it here ten times this week alone. 