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Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment. 
To whom it may concern, If you are reading this, that means there’s nothing you can do about it now.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to put it in its place. So, I looked at it and said, Don’t forget that you’re only a towel, and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
I'm so crazy I'm thinking about springing forward right now....see you in an hour!
Michigan State has a new course on surviving a zombie apocalypse. I think it's a trap because the prerequisites are English 101 & Brrrains!!!
I was serenading under this chick's window and she still blew me off. Luckily, her grandma was old school. Score!
Everyone was so disappointed when I announced, "the next round is on me!" and then came back from the bar with a fistful of Capri Suns
Eventually we'll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Daytime commercials assume there are a ton of great inventors that watch crappy shows and are super gullible.
Note to self: Don't taunt the neighbor's bull dog while wearing flip flops.
If you take the number of minutes it took someone to text you back, multiply it by five & subtract your age, you've got WAY too much free time.
If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.
My teacher always used tell me to follow my dreams now it seems I have a restraining order
Sweet, it's snowing again. I can hardly wait to read 500 status updates on my news feed about it
Anyone who recommends me for a huge job promotion has obviously never watched me try to untangle headphone cords. 