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Bar waitress: "ANYONE KNOW CPR?!"... Me: "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"... Then everyone laughed & laughed. Well, except that one guy. 
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
I'm so crazy I'm thinking about springing forward right now....see you in an hour!
Michigan State has a new course on surviving a zombie apocalypse. I think it's a trap because the prerequisites are English 101 & Brrrains!!!
I was serenading under this chick's window and she still blew me off. Luckily, her grandma was old school. Score!
Everyone was so disappointed when I announced, "the next round is on me!" and then came back from the bar with a fistful of Capri Suns
Eventually we'll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Daytime commercials assume there are a ton of great inventors that watch crappy shows and are super gullible.
Note to self: Don't taunt the neighbor's bull dog while wearing flip flops.
If you take the number of minutes it took someone to text you back, multiply it by five & subtract your age, you've got WAY too much free time.
If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.
My teacher always used tell me to follow my dreams now it seems I have a restraining order
Sweet, it's snowing again. I can hardly wait to read 500 status updates on my news feed about it
Anyone who recommends me for a huge job promotion has obviously never watched me try to untangle headphone cords.
Before Twitter, how would I have known my soulmate was a 53 yr old man pretending to be a 28 yr old woman outside Milwaukee?
I scrape my knees to feel. - emo kindergartner
Well maybe if you didn't have dem ( . )( . ) poppin out your turtleneck we wouldn't have this Eye-Contact problem....
My question: how did that monkey in Zanesville get herpes in the first place?!
My ex asked the stupidest questions, like if you could be any vegtable what would you be, so I replied a 14 inch cucumber in a womens prison. she failed to see the irony, bless her lil vegan bleeding heart!
Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. ( MONDAY ) 