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No matter how much I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers, the cashier keeps on putting them back! 
who knew a politician named wiener could get into so much trouble?
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
When a man has a firm handshake, it's confident and authoritative. When a woman has one, it's just creepy...
I need a safe word to protect myself during masturbation.
I want Liam Neeson to star in a remake of "Breakin' "
P0rn always downloads too slowly when you really need it the most.
This girl just rolled her eyes so hard at me she opened a trans-dimensional vortex.
Guys, if her FB is full of pictures but none of her; run, run like the wind…
No one honked at me ever since I put a bumper sticker on the back of my car that says "Honk if you're a piece of shi t".
MY Fantasy Football thing is about the Cheerleaders.
You never see zombies in wheelchairs.
Disney purchased Lucasfilms, LTD?? I personally can't wait for some of those gems to start coming out. Particularly, Snow White and the Seven Storm Troopers, Swiss Family Skywalker and - my favorite - Song of the Sith...
Writing "wash me" on someone's car is kind of funny, but writing "I'm watching you right now" is hysterical
I drink coffee every morning so that I don't bite your head off, so don't say I never do anything for you.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
Nothing better than starting the morning with a workout. And by workout, I mean sex.
There's something to be said for HOT coffee and Bailey's on a COLD day such as this ;)
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn't be any good music.
Mediocre sex will definitely get you cheated on. 