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Knows what you did last summer... Thanks to good old Facebook 
I called a company and heard "Don't fear the Reaper" while I was on hold. At first it seemed cool, but do I really want Life Insurance from a company that plays that?!?! ;-)
wondering: do doggies ever do it people-style???
Have you ever looked at other people and think to yourself "I'm just better than you"......welcome to my life
Everyone you meet comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.
I was at church when the devil tapped me on the shoulder. He goes, "Aren't you scared?" I said, "No." He said, "Why not?" I go, "I'm married to your sister."
I'm writing this from the hospital. Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
I hate when I’m on the treadmill, and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and accidentally eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Manti Te'o wasnt missing tackles in the National Championship, he was hugging his girlfriend.
If Hillary is elected president I am moving to Canada. . .
To drink or not to drink would be a stupid f*cking question! Cheers motherf*ckers!
Taking my car to get fixed today. I don't need a bunch of little car mouths to feed!
whenever I say the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
If someone throws Skittles at you and yells "taste the rainbow" run them over with your car and yell "Nationwide is on your side!"
I don't hate you, I never could. I don't regret meeting you, I never will. But I do regret our relationship. It destroyed our friendship!
OK Guys, you'restuck in bed between the most beautiful girl in the world and a gay guy. Who do you turn your back to?
Autocorrect can kiss my ask!
Newly Married Husband Saved His Wife's Number On Cell As, "MY LIFE"... After 1 Year: "MY WIFE" After 5 Years: "HOME" After 10 Years: "HITLER" & ...After 25TH Anniversary: "Wrong Number"...:D
The term 'Islamophobia' is as silly as 'Naziphobia'. Phobia means irrational fear, my fear of Islam is not irrational- -Anna Doe
I gotta be honest....unless the Ghostbusters "reboot" (starring all women) is going to have them topless with proton packs...I am just not interested. 