Funny Status Messages

   I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE ?"

   I bruised my face running drunk into a slider door but I told my coworkers it's my violent boyfriend because I want them to think I'm dating

   Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you're going to get.

   My introverts club met today...at separate houses.

   I got pulled over by a lady cop. I asked her what's wrong and she snapped back "NOTHING!"

   Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

   They should have waited until next July 4th to launch that Antares Rocket. At least then it would not have been a complete waste.

   There is an elegance, and an art, to being beautifully broken

   And on the sixth day satan created algebra.

   Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be

   I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I'm watching.

   Just finished putting the Ex-Lax in the candy

   The problem with alcohol is that that... it wears off.

   I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.

   If I can see you, you're invading my personal space.

   I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.

   I had a bad day...but at least no one took my pants off and ate my face.

   My current cardio workout consists of taking a fistful of Exlax right after I see a "Next rest stop,, 25 miles" sign on the turnpike

   Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for v@gin@.

   The worst thing about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute.