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Why do they have a beauty section at Walmart? 
Ladies......I am rebound material!
Already heard that Whitney is dead.. apparently 47 seconds before my friends with 3G service...
GRAMMAR: The difference between knowing YOUR sh!t and knowing YOU'RE sh!t.
I used to date cross-eyed women just to feel better about myself after sex.
Hi. I'm a c**k blocker. Why? 'Cause my friends are all hot and I'm a tub of lard with tattoos everywhere and all kinds of metal s**t in my face.
Feed the homeless to the hungry. Two problems solved.
When I die, I want my tombstone to say, "Did not forward an email to ten friends,"
I'm so good in bed that my privates were promoted straight to generals.
it just me....but when I am trying to insert a straw into a Capri Sun I feel like I am trying to start an IV.
I'm "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start" years old.
When you said coke I assumed you meant cocaine. No thank you. Soda is bad for you.
When I end a sentence with "Just Sayin" what I really mean to say is "Fu%k off, I'm right." ...just sayin.
I brought my M16 in the house the other day and my father asked me what I was so afraid of, I answered "the d$mn Decepticons" I laughed, my dad laughed, the toaster laughed , I shot the toaster...
My signature dance move is trying to unstick my balls from my leg.
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
No thanks 5 Hour Energy drink. Work is 8 hours, I'll just stick to cocaine.
Dear Santa, please help my dad find some milk and cigarettes so he can finally come home
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to dogs.
When I first saw rednecks using the self check out at Wal Mart, it was like seeing velociraptors open doors in Jurassic Park. 