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Got up early and had 3 eggs bacon fried potatoes coffee, now i'm ready to go back to bed .... 
A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
I love cloning as much as the next guy. Who is also me.
I hope Mexico doesn't raise the cost of Tequila and Produce to pay for this wall.
You want to gauge how dumb people are these days? No, don't look at Dept. of Education stats, SAT scores or even IQ's. Listen closely to someone ahead of you at a fast food drive thru place an order.
Up until now, I thought "twerking" was short for "networking." Needless to say, today's business lunch was rather awkward.
This giraffe is such an attention hog they should name the baby "Kardashian".
I have step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
"The system is rigged." --Bernie Sanders after losing at Monopoly
I'm not sure if there's anything sadder than watching someone eat Sonic in their car by themselves.
How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon Go player with my car?
My dog ate out of the garbage, sniffed himself, threw up and fell asleep in the kitchen. Think he's mocking me when I drink.
I bet Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are the highest level Pokémon Go players.
Don't worry. There will be a time in your life, too, when the phrase "Get up and go" takes on a whole new meaning....
I just got offered a great deal from Vodafone. A new Samsung phone and a free fire extinguisher.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
When a woman asks "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" There is no safe answer but "Yes, but it isn't the jeans' fault." is definitely the wrong one.
When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired."
If you see an animal stuck in a trap, free them! If you see a child crying, comfort them! If you see Justin Bieber crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!
Today is "Deflategate's" own Tom Brady's 40th birthday. Now that he's hit 40, footballs are not the only thing he'll have to worry about inflating. 