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It's not our fault you have a small d ick so don't take it out on us. Really, don't take it out. 
Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'
The less you give a damn, the happier you will be...
I have amazing will power to have avoided the gym for as long as I have...
There’s nothing to fear but fear itself and any single woman who owns more than 2 cats.
Sunday morning, somewhere a Pastor practices his sermon face then gives himself a quick wink in the mirror.
Home is where the alcohol is.
My navel ring is older than some of my Facebook Friends.
Thanks to Facebook, everything that used to take a few seconds at work now takes me 4.5 days.
I'm a pretty good person when you never get to know me.
Are you waiting with baited breath because it sure smells like it.
Cringing in regret is my cardio
You're in charge of your own happiness, I tell myself, refilling my drink.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Polly wolly doodle all the day?.. In this economy?
I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.
If I drank decaf coffee I'd be one of those girls that doesn't swallow, too.
Good to see Brian Williams back on TV all these years after he pulled me from the rubble on 9/11.
Remember when you were 12 and were like "I can't wait to be older" and now you're older and your like "I hate my life, I want to cry everyday." LOL. Good times. 