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Madonna and Johnny Depp seem completely unaware they aren't British 
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
It's like the women in this bar don't know how close I am to getting my own apartment.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet. It says "Probably just sh*tfaced"
"Got any drugs or alcohol on you?" "yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.
I tweeted to Steve Harvey tonight that he was still my favorite all-time host of Family Feud; but two and a half minutes later I tweeted again to tell him it is actually Richard Dawson
1985: call me on the new line in my roo.m 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me
Dad please dont mess my hair up and say 'love ya' in public, I'm in a gang now
Today I went to work w/my clothes inside out and had chocolate pudding and popcorn for dinner. Wife has been gone ONE DAY & I am a toddler.
Kanye is not TOTALLY useless, he did raise Beck awareness. That is a good thing
For every action there is an equal and opposite overreaction in the media.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Girls, there is a FINE line between wearing makeup and looking like you just got gang-banged by crayola.
Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?
The only technique I've mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen. 