Funny Status Messages

View All Funny Status Messages

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Trump Filter: ON | OFF


Search Messages:
Page: 239 of 5593

   messageicon In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
←Rate | 03-10-2014 01:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
←Rate | 03-29-2014 23:23 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's like the women in this bar don't know how close I am to getting my own apartment.
←Rate | 04-24-2014 13:50 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just bought a medical alert bracelet. It says "Probably just sh*tfaced"
←Rate | 05-11-2014 13:56 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Got any drugs or alcohol on you?" "yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"
←Rate | 09-21-2013 10:34 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
←Rate | 09-29-2013 12:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?
←Rate | 12-06-2014 06:44 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
←Rate | 02-10-2015 15:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.
←Rate | 09-30-2015 20:34 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I tweeted to Steve Harvey tonight that he was still my favorite all-time host of Family Feud; but two and a half minutes later I tweeted again to tell him it is actually Richard Dawson
←Rate | 12-22-2015 00:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes, karma is just too busy with other injustices in the world and that's where revenge comes in.
←Rate | 02-27-2012 09:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There's no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
←Rate | 12-27-2011 17:14 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  


   messageicon So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry."
←Rate | 01-24-2012 10:50 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everyone has that friend that needs to stop bumming and buy their own pack of cigarettes.
←Rate | 04-18-2012 21:10 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon If everyone were telling the truth on fb, the economy would be booming, all kids would be geniuses, everyone would look like they're in their 20's, and all relationships would remain happily ever after.
←Rate | 06-21-2012 07:54 by MTQ Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.
←Rate | 06-28-2012 22:04 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon When a traffic light is out of service you should just treat the intersection as a demolition derby.
←Rate | 07-02-2012 14:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm looking for sponsors to prove that money can't make me happy.....Please send generous donations so I can conduct my experiment! ツ
←Rate | 12-09-2011 11:42 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ladies, the knight with the shiniest armour has done the least amount of brave or cool sh*t.
←Rate | 06-18-2012 20:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think there are more pictures of cats in my news feed than people
←Rate | 07-02-2012 13:27 by Joseph Robert Comments (0)  



Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left