Funny Status Messages

   I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.

   I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"

   Picture us in bed together.... Wrong.... try again, but with more empty bottles.

   Let's just ignore each other and see where this takes us.

   My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.

   I'm a big fan of anyone who doesn't find me annoying.

   I'm bored but not "correct people's grammar on Facebook" bored.

   “and, so, that's where I'm at on the project, I couldn't have done it with out your input.” - How I end every conversation when the boss walks in and catches me goofing off with another employee.

   I ain't doing s$it today. ☑ Mission accomplished.

   HEY,,,Being a teenager is hard, you guys.... Especially when you're 45..

   Please don't trip when I act weird around you, it just means I am comfortable around you.

   If life gives you sh!t, proudly take it and fertelize your hopes and dreams.

   •The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

   Back in my day we went to the bathroom to use it, not take a picture of yourself...

   They always seem to want you back the minute they see you being happy with someone else.

   I can't grow sideburns but hope to one day have ear-hair that's long enough for a combover.

   So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry"

   Commercials used to be funny. Now they're just like "hey stupid! Buy this!"

   FACT: 87% of all tweets are just slightly re-worded Bon Jovi lyrics.

   Kris Humphries parents probably took him out Trick or Treating last night to get his mind off things.