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Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want. 
Just because I constantly think of ways to make your life miserable doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
With all this government shutdown, Rage Against The Machine should reunite. Plenty of new material.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
Guys, man up. Your woman doesn't need two pu$$ies.
This woman at the mall doesn't even seem to care that I found a lump on her breast that she didn't know about.
Of course J-Lo can act, she's been pretending she can sing for years now.
What time does the funny stuff start around here? I can come back…
Justin Bieber to replace Miley Cyrus on Hannah Montana starting in 2011.
was thrown out of a casino for misunderstanding the use of a crap table.
Every time I hear a strange noise at night, I mentally prepare to fight off an intruder. If it's a velociraptor, I'm also totally ready.
Ahhhhhhhh, those carefree days of yore when we could pick a frilly dandelion puff from it's roots and blow them into the wind. NOW IT'S ALL OUT FRIGGIN' WAR!!!!! Kill the dandelions! Kill Kill Kill!!
True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like leaves, found everywhere.
decided to eat healthy tonight. I heard walnuts are healthy so I think I'll add them to my brownies.
People think I'm God... anywhere I go, they say "Oh God! You've come again..."
You must be a parking ticket... cause you got fine written all over you "Giggidi Giggidi Giggidi GOO" !
When you decide to pass me on the right to beat me to the stop sign, don't be surprised when I make you work for it.
My girl can't hear loud noises when she sleeping, but when a ant tiptoes across the floor she jumps up like gunshot were fired
"You see football takes concentration and skill....SQUIRREL!!!!" - Wade Phillips/NFL Head Coach 