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Those things on Hooter's menu that they call "boneless chicken wings" are not chicken wings without the bone. You know, I'm not even sure they're chicken! Real wings have bones in them and you get a little messy eating them, that's just the way it is. 
God was the greatest inventor of all time. He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker
Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend? A. You can drop her off where ever you want!
If I become president, I will put weight restrictions on skinny jeans and short shorts. Vote Me 2012!!!
"Oh well... screw it!" - What I say before I hit "send" on most of my Facebook status updates.
Not to sound like an old maid, but why do people think they need to be in a relationship to be happy? Those who can stand on their own two feet are the ones that I admire most. Be strong and independent. Have patience and love will come.
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
Playing the ice cream truck song out of my car and watching all the people running around looking for ice cream.
The more people I meet, the more I like my damn dog.
I bet Cleveland is cheering louder than Dallas. Way to go Mavs!
I wonder if Lebron & Wade are gonna mock Dirk holding up the trophy?
WAIT! Justine Bieber has a perfume out for woman called "Someday"? What? Someday he'll be one of them?
everyone needs to stop freacking out every time facebook makes a change. its facebook. you'll be ok
Dear Santa, My wish 4 this year is a big, fat bank account & a slim body. Pls don't mix these 2 up like you did last year!!!!!
79% of accidents happen in the home.... Finally, good news for the homeless....
just shot his eye out..
-- split up from the missus yesterday, I'm now very sad and upset. I had to go to work today with my clothes creased.....
[Status removed by Facebook as too explicit to broadcast]
a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face
I've got an Erection with a Direction .!. 