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I called my work this morning and said, "Sorry, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!" 
Vegetarian is the old Indian word for sucks at hunting.
so at a grocery store restroom I walked in on an old man shaking water from his hands. he looks up and says to me "nuthin has come out in a week". I stood there hoping to God he was refering to the paper towel dispenser
Just turned on my TV to discover Joe Biden's teeth are now burned into the screen......
Remove all the poles if you don't want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I swear when black girls wear green contacts they look like a walking xbox
Sometimes when I shower I accidentally use conditioner first, and then shampoo so spare me your problems Egypt.
Never trust someone that smiles on Monday morning.
(._.) ( l: ) ( .-. ) ( :l ) (._.) They see me rolling. They hating.
Thank goodness it was Twinkies and not Bacon
When pulling out the a nal beads, never say "And the winning powerball numbers are..."
I like my women like I like my golf scores. In the 80s with a slight handicap.
It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "Thank you for choosing Domino's."
Liquor stores should deliver to do their part to help with the drunk driving problem.
Why are scary movies always in creepy places like jails and hospitals? I want a scary movie in Walmart. CLEAN UP ON AISLE 13. BUT SIR... THERE IS NO AISLE 13. Dramatic music..
It's a hard thing not to trust the earth beneath your feet.
Went to the barbers today and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise, the barber gave me a phone book to sit on.
No one deserves to be anyone's dirty little secret or backup plan.
I assume "Luftballons" is German for "bottles of beer on the wall"
EGSG «—- Scrambled eggs. 