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Would Like To Know Where He Can Purchase A GPS For His Life Journey, I Made A Wrong Turn And Can't Get Back On The Damn Highway! 
I like to go up to people playing Solitaire and ask "Who's winning?"
When your girlfriend has Taylor Swift lyrics as her status, you know you've either done something very right or something very wrong.
was born cool, but global warming made me hot!
The McRib is made of the same fat they injected in Joan Rivers lips.
Dear makers of Cialis, when I reach middle age and find myslef needing your product, contrary to the advice you offer about calling a doctor if you have an erection lasting longer than 4 hours, I can assure you that I will be calling a film crew instead
A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think it's the one in the coffin."
I just got home from the airport where I chose the advanced pat down option and now it really hurts when I pee. I really hope that's just a coincidence
I would do alot of things... But catch a grenade... Line has got to be drawn somewhere...
The cost of a stamp is going up 2 cents. I'll e-mail all my friends and let them know.
*Insert Controversial topic here*
Some guy knocked at my door this morning and asked me if I've ever considered an alternative energy supplier. I said, "No, I'm quite happy with food."
not here for your sexual fantasies
so, this guy is trying to sue me for sexual harassment in the workplace just because I like to flirt a little...good luck with that because I don't even work there!
Get off the phone while you driving and while your at it, pick a lane and stick to it
Never tell a woman to shut up, just kiss her damnit.
And now, for my amazing feat today, I shall turn water into coffee!! Tune in later for world domination....after the laundrys done ;)
Ladies: If a guy ever tells you he's “crazy” about you, then you better believe it because we rarely use words like that.
Roger Ebert called. He's giving your online performance of "The Worlds Biggest A$$hole" two enthusiastic thumbs up. Way up.
Facebook says we're 'friends' but, trust me, I wouldn't hesitate to punch you in the face. 