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Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not; they're looking at their phone. 
Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.
I flashed my full set of teeth at Walmart earlier this morning & I'm still here signing autographs and posing for pictures
Nothing worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life.
i better have a baby soon before my Mom gets too old to raise it for me
It's time to be concerned about unemployment when attractive people start losing their jobs.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
was given 4 E's and LSD last night… Such an awful start to a game of scrabble.
Just when you think you got the answer...someone changes the question.
Put a diaper on that mouth cuz you talk a lot of crap...
Drag racing would be a lot more fun if I didn't have to wear a dress.
That psychic was terrible. She didn't even know I was going to run out without paying!
A man basically goes through three phases in his life... He believes in Santa Claus...He doesn't believe in Santa Claus...He is Santa Claus.
I'm excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?
WHY DO OLD PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE THEY GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD, BUT YOUNG PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE THEIR DAYS ARE LIMITED....?
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.
just stopped at Radio Shack to get something and the kid behind the counter asked me for my phone number and zip code. I told him 867-5309 and zip 90210. He never even questioned it.
I was eating Oreos, and I was dunking one in milk and the cookie broke and sank to the bottom. So now I'm just sitting here, staring at the glass and wondering why bad things happen to good people. 