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The Police will come right away when you tell them your baby is locked in the car. They don't however think it's cute to call your phone baby. 
That "Free Smells" sign they hang in the window at Jimmy John's sandwich shops? Yeah, it's a lie. They totally asked me to leave.
You can not argue with a drunk woman, and you can not argue with a sober woman....Figure that one out guys.
Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to 'let me go or I will call the police'.
This driving test is going terribly.
My niece and nephew are my choice of birth control. 100% effective.
HAPPY HANGOVER DAY
Every time a man makes a poor decision a woman will be there to remind him about it.
I'd never miss my imaginary girlfriend's funeral. Just saying....
The way I see it, is if there were no men in the world, the planet would be filled with nothing but happy fat women. And a shortage of batteries.
I've never seen animals party. Though squirrels that fly are pretty goddamn close.
Since when did these all reality shows start using hearing impaired captions for all their daily drama?? Oh wait, my bad. I logged onto Facebook.
There are certain things in life that are a waste of time and energy. That's why I don't hold in my farts
Playing with your phone in public is the new I don't know what to do with myself.
It's not a problem getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar unless it's while you're drunk and naked in your neighbors kitchen.
If you come to my front door with a clip board I will just ask you if your clip board is an ipad until you leave.
I need to find out what my company needs to do in order to get protests by topless women.
The fact that women don't sell ad space (transparent stickers) on their cleavage is baffling to me.
I'm trying desperately not to hate your existence but you keep talking nonsense.
Coffee isn't a matter of life or death; it's a lot more important than that. 