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Remember, life isn't about accumulating stuff. It's about making people insanely jealous of your stuff. 
You better hope my wildest dreams don't come true.
They say the end of the world is very near, So what if Saturday is the end of the world? If I get sent straight to hell its going to take me at least a week to realize that I'm not still at work.
They really need to add a “download this song illegally” button on Pandora.
engagement ring: a down-payment for alimony
Nothing says "screw work, and screw personal hygiene" quite like last night's bar stamp on my hand.
What if...lollipops moaned every time we licked them
Everyone hates planes babies are just honest about it
Love doesn't cost a thing but it can leave you bankrupt.
Love is blind but marriage will open your eyes real quick.
when you Realize that loud sound in the dryer is your cell phone! DAMMIT!!!!!!!!
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
WAIT????.. Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable,,, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."
I don't get women. Also, I don't understand them.
This airline stewardess is pretty excited that we are all paying attention while she shows us how to fasten a seat belt, but I am pretty sure we are all just thinking about banging her.
Every time I see someone with drawn on eyebrows, I want to ask them if the carpet matches the curtains
♪♫ " The thrill is gone...."♪♫ Rest in peace BB King. Although many are singing the blues at the news of your death, I'm sure Heaven is singin' ♪♫" Let the Good Times Roll"...
Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn't have said.
"Looks like we're all here. WHO WANTS HAMBURGERS?" I say to three cats & a cardboard cutout of Boba Fett at my 4th of July BBQ.
5 manly shampoo scents: 1. Beef Jerky 2. Cigar smoke 3. Gun powder 4. Lawn clippings 5. Home Depot. 