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While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I sucked in my gut. My wife laugh and said do you think that's help you weigh less ? I said no but it does help me to see how much I weigh. 
Some days I feel like I own waterfront property on $h!t Creek.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room
It's pretty bad when Playboy deletes their FB page because they don't want to be associated with "low values"
It's safe to assume that anyone who has a wedding band tattooed on their finger was not a statistics major.
n't it curious that the SAME FBI interviewed the Orlando Shooter 3 times and found nothing incriminating ..... ALSO interviewed Hillary Clinton and found nothing incriminating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....... Ya folks ..... We're really in good hands now!
"Melania's Speech was 100% real... Trust Me I was THERE!" - Brian Williams
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn't work if it isn't open.
Calm down,,, the rhythm is not going to get you.
I hate those people who ride your bumper and then start flashing their lights at you. Like, Hey- look at me, I’m driving an ambulance.........
Gary Johnson is the Discover Card of presidential candidates. You'll use him in a pinch, but you're kind of embarrassed about it.
At this rate, it's starting to seem like Americans will be voting on which candidate to keep out of jail in November.
If you're valet parking your PT Cruiser you should just hand over the keys and tell them to drive it off a cliff.
I’m already an idiot, I just need a village
think about this. if you put a banana down you have to put it on its side. but if you slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why I don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I’m going to start following my dogs lead and bite some ankles when you get too close to me.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her. She bought me eye drops.
Think I've been staying home isolating for too long as I just watched a Hallmark holiday Christmas movie in its entirety and I actually thought it wasn't corny.
kicked out of the bowling alley for dribbling again
My Grandmother is telling me a story of how my Grandfather turned into a sex machine after he got Alzheimer’s bc he thought she was his hot new girlfriend and would tell her, “you’re nothing like that hellcat I was married to” 