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College wall posts, Welcome back students. Sex is not allowed in the dorm rooms. The students are like, " Yeah Right " 
Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.
I am wondering if female squirrells only get 80% of the acorns that males get
It's safe to assume that anyone who has a wedding band tattooed on their finger was not a statistics major.
n't it curious that the SAME FBI interviewed the Orlando Shooter 3 times and found nothing incriminating ..... ALSO interviewed Hillary Clinton and found nothing incriminating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....... Ya folks ..... We're really in good hands now!
"Melania's Speech was 100% real... Trust Me I was THERE!" - Brian Williams
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn't work if it isn't open.
Calm down,,, the rhythm is not going to get you.
I hate those people who ride your bumper and then start flashing their lights at you. Like, Hey- look at me, I’m driving an ambulance.........
Gary Johnson is the Discover Card of presidential candidates. You'll use him in a pinch, but you're kind of embarrassed about it.
At this rate, it's starting to seem like Americans will be voting on which candidate to keep out of jail in November.
If you're valet parking your PT Cruiser you should just hand over the keys and tell them to drive it off a cliff.
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night... Not Happy.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Tampax is the newest sponsor of NASCAR. If you're looking for tickets to the Tampon 500, I could pull some strings!
Rapper "Pop Smoke" has died. Please respect my privacy at this time, while I try to figure out who the heck he was.
Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist.
Some youths have stolen all the bus stop signs down my road... Where do they get off?
Fun Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the "send" button by 95%...
Going to Wal-Mart will help build up your immune system for just about everything except Covid-19... 