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When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? asking for a friend 
Beginning to think my dog will never accept my leg 'just wants to be friends.'
I'm getting so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at the mortuary and "You're doing your job", do it at home and you're "destroying evidence".
Watching Home Alone 3 and wondering what's taking children's services so long?
Nearly wrecked my car trying to save my tacos from falling. Before you question my priorities let me point out, there was sour cream on them.
.... The Older I get the meaner I get .... I'm pretty sure within the next few years I'll be biting people.
"Nipping it in the bud" sounds way more fun than it actually is.
Well well well if it isn't the bills I keep throwing away.
Just because school isn't for you, doesn't mean rapping is.
When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.
My Ex knows enough to have the Clintons put away . Just putting this out .
The night before the kids go back to school is the grown ups version of Christmas Eve.
I’m already an idiot, I just need a village
think about this. if you put a banana down you have to put it on its side. but if you slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why I don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I’m going to start following my dogs lead and bite some ankles when you get too close to me.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her. She bought me eye drops.
Think I've been staying home isolating for too long as I just watched a Hallmark holiday Christmas movie in its entirety and I actually thought it wasn't corny.
kicked out of the bowling alley for dribbling again
My Grandmother is telling me a story of how my Grandfather turned into a sex machine after he got Alzheimer’s bc he thought she was his hot new girlfriend and would tell her, “you’re nothing like that hellcat I was married to”
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence. Is this true? I have my doubts. 