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"Nipping it in the bud" sounds way more fun than it actually is. 
Well well well if it isn't the bills I keep throwing away.
Will Seth Meyers continue to be on television now that the Clinton 2016 team is dissolving?
'When we were kids, we didn't have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren't there, we would get stoned like normal people.'
Oh and BTW, ,, Why haven't Pig Pen's parents been visited by child services yet?
It's a good thing I'm not in charge of a vote #recount . I'd charge five million bucks, wait a week, and say "We're done. It's the same as the first time."
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only.
Gee, Judging by the lack of smiles on peoples faces today .... A lot of Valentine's wishes went unanswered.
Hollywood actors praising themselves...The Oscars smh
Just bought a crap load of staples from Staples. Headed to Dick's now.....
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn't pee on his fingers.
Drink Bacardi while you workout and call it Bacardio
I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013
Day 4 of no alcohol: Morale is low. I just drank some eye drops.
Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
So tired I just ignored a fly walking on my face like I was in an 80's hunger commercial.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball."
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. 