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I sincerely wish you the best. I just don't want to hear about it. 
Ask yourself what you would do for one more day with the ones you've lost and then do those things for the ones you still have.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I'm going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
I'm sorry I asked who your cute friend was on our date but that should teach you not to bring your friends along on our dates.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence at least we don't have to save for college
I remember when the NBA was full of basketball players and not academy award whiners
Whew, that salad filled me up-said no real man EVER
Vet suggested cayenne pepper to get the dog to stop eating her poop....Sounds good...nothing says dignified like seasoning your dog's poops.
The fastest way to confuse a woman is to tell her she looks great now that she's gained a couple of pounds.
I remember the first time a friend said he was going to introduce me to a "dog person." I was bummed at the way it turned out.
My safe word is yourhusbandishome.
I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas.
It's sad when your chances of winning the lottery are BETTER than getting a decent raise at work.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator..
I'm a big advocate of the 'You started it' method of defense in an argument.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta: 1. Pour out how much you think you need 2. Wrong
When a woman says, "I'm NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That's universal for, "You're going to die."
Action movie villains should really go to the gun range to practice beforehand, because they always miss. 