Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
I love running my fingers through my girlfriend's hair. It's also a great way to let her know we're out of napkins. 
Getting Sticky Buns from a bakery is awesome. Getting Sticky Buns from the toilet seat at work... not so much ツ
Hey, people who back their cars into parking spaces. I've seen enough overachieving out of you for the day.
Can I just date your mouth?
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
The Best feeling ever: Waking up and seeing you still have a couple hours to sleep.
Today I am WONDER WOMAN ... I will wrap my head and wrists in foil, stuff my Bra, hike up my grannie panties, and I will wonder.
I need to wash this beer down with another beer
My next girlfriend I am going to train like my dog. She will be loyal, obedient, and lick herself.
My favorite food is knowledge. Unless I’ve been drinking, then it’s p ussy.
The best moves in life are made in silence. Don't talk about it. Just do it and let them talk about it. Failure talks. Success walks.
Dear Santa, Do not eat any cookies from Colorado and Washington this year.. May cause drowsiness.
lookin' like a fool with his pants on the ground.
I'm eating cold soup with a fork. Windows 7 was my idea.
You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.
Blaming a Happy Meal your kid is too fat, is like suing a gym for losing weight.
I hate when a texting convo goes like this You: heyy. Them: hey! You: watzup? Them: nothin wbu? You: same. Them: cool. You: yea Them: haha. You: lol. Them: yep.
STOP with complaining about unoriginal cut n pasted jokes and contribue your own
Just saw a huge spider while I was getting out of the shower. So I pulled down the shower curtain rod & pole vaulted over it into the hallway.
I'm still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street. 