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I'm a licensed insultant 
My girlfriend just asked me to make her feel special. So I gave her a helmet and a box of crayons.
For every one text I send my mother, I have to send 4 more texts explaining what it means
Day 4 of shut-down: As long as nobody lists the U.S. on eBay and let Canada or North korea buy us..... We should be fine.
"Laws should be like clothes. They should be made to fit the people they serve.
Sure the early bird gets the worm, but what does that say about the worm? He got up early too... Well, the point is,,, Ummm.
If a girl doesn't answer you immediately, it's only because she's telling all her friends about what you just said.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the "math" part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
my brain has too many tabs open.
The way my kids freak out on Christmas morning, that's the way I feel right before I open my breakfast beer!
I don't know about you but I'm that guy who will strike up a conversation with you while waiting in a long line.Tell a joke to all the people standing there to change their day and mine also. I enjoy people..... and life is too short!
Funny how the russians are so anti gay, yet they got a metal in mens figure skating
knows Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words...
And now, a few words by Stevie Wonder... ".. ...:.. ::.... .. . .:.:: ... :.::..." Pretty deep right? I damn near cried when he said, ".:.:: ... :.::..."
funniest joke ever... 2 women sitting on a bench minding their own business saying nothing
finally done with his taxes and has come to the conclusion that taxation WITH respresentation isn't that great either!
From the moment I saw u, I wanted to be inside u, I love ur smell, the way ur tongue feels, the way you tighten and loosen mmm..NEW SHOES
Move like Michael Jackson, Tonight on BBC 3, Is a contest,to find out who can move like Micheal Jackson....Am I alone in thinking,that really all the winner needs to do,is lie down & be still for half an hour ?
Rihanna should date Lebron... he never beats anyone.
All those years of phone sex has caught up with my grandfather. He has hearing AIDS 